but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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