How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
