No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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