There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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