Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Randomize
