I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
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