I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
