Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
