My sheets look like a crime scene.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
