you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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