i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
