its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
