anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
