I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
