you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Randomize
