i just sent this text using only my big toe
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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