So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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