dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
