I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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