I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Why did my mother make you get naked?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
