Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
