I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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