Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
