Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
