I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
