im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
a search helicopter?!
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
