Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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