i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
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