ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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