The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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