I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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