Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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