Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
