I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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