I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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