i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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