My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
