I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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