I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
This is classic penis vs brain.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
