So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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