I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
