If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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