Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
