I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
We are all done wearing pants today
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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