I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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