Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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