Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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