Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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