I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
