fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
