mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
