every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
