I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
